I Was Convinced That I Identified As a Gay Woman - David Bowie Made Me Discover the Reality

Back in 2011, a few years prior to the acclaimed David Bowie display debuted at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I came out as a gay woman. Up to that point, I had solely pursued relationships with men, including one I had wed. After a couple of years, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single parent to four children, residing in the America.

During this period, I had commenced examining both my personal gender and attraction preferences, searching for answers.

I entered the world in England during the early 1970s - pre-world wide web. During our youth, my companions and myself were without Reddit or video sharing sites to reference when we had curiosities about intimacy; instead, we looked to music icons, and in that decade, musicians were experimenting with gender norms.

Annie Lennox wore masculine attire, The flamboyant singer adopted girls' clothes, and pop groups such as popular ensembles featured artists who were openly gay.

I desired his narrow hips and defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and male chest. I wanted to embody the Bowie's Berlin period

During the nineties, I passed my days operating a motorcycle and dressing like a tomboy, but I returned to traditional womanhood when I chose to get married. My spouse transferred our home to the US in 2007, but when the union collapsed I felt an powerful draw revisiting the masculinity I had earlier relinquished.

Considering that no artist played with gender as dramatically as David Bowie, I chose to spend a free afternoon during a summer trip back to the UK at the museum, anticipating that maybe he could help me figure it out.

I lacked clarity specifically what I was seeking when I entered the show - possibly I anticipated that by submerging my consciousness in the richness of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, as a result, encounter a insight into my own identity.

I soon found myself positioned before a compact monitor where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was playing on repeat. Bowie was performing confidently in the primary position, looking polished in a dark grey suit, while to the side three accompanying performers dressed in drag crowded round a microphone.

Differing from the drag queens I had witnessed firsthand, these ladies didn't glide around the stage with the poise of born divas; conversely they looked disinterested and irritated. Positioned as supporting acts, they chewed gum and showed impatience at the boredom of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, appearing ignorant to their reduced excitement. I felt a momentary pang of empathy for the supporting artists, with their heavy makeup, awkward hairpieces and too-tight dresses.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - irritated and impatient, as if they were longing for it all to be over. Precisely when I understood I connected with three individuals presenting as female, one of them removed her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Of course, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I was absolutely sure that I desired to remove everything and transform like Bowie. I craved his lean physique and his precise cut, his strong features and his flat chest; I aimed to personify the lean-figured, artist's Berlin phase. However I was unable to, because to truly become Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Declaring myself as queer was a different challenge, but transitioning was a much more frightening outlook.

I needed further time before I was willing. During that period, I made every effort to adopt male characteristics: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my feminine garments, cut off my hair and began donning masculine outfits.

I changed my seating posture, changed my stride, and changed my name and pronouns, but I stopped short of hormonal treatment - the possibility of rejection and second thoughts had left me paralysed with fear.

After the David Bowie display concluded its international run with a engagement in Brooklyn, New York, following that period, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be an identity that didn't fit.

Positioned before the identical footage in 2018, I became completely convinced that the challenge didn't involve my attire, it was my physical form. I didn't identify as a butch female; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been wearing drag since birth. I wanted to transform myself into the person in the polished attire, dancing in the spotlight, and now I realized that I could.

I made arrangements to see a physician soon after. It took additional years before my transformation concluded, but none of the fears I anticipated came true.

I still have many of my feminine mannerisms, so people often mistake me for a queer man, but I accept this. I sought the ability to explore expression like Bowie did - and since I'm comfortable in my body, I can.